My story

My name is Shelton Hamen, I have two kids (a girl and a boy ), a good job as software developer and I’m active in church by playing the piano in the church band. My two lovely parents worked hard to give my two sisters and I a good chance to make it in life. That doesn’t mean that I had it easy growing up, mostly because I’m a so called introvert. But despite of that, I did my best to be able to go to the Netherlands to study. Once in the Netherlands, there also came a time in my life that I was married for 7 years and I had a nice house with a big beautiful garden. Everything I had during my marriage came easily and at that moment I thought that I was happy and content.

Is this it?
But one day while sitting in the garden during the summer with a glass of wine and in in the company of a group of acquaintances, it suddenly hit me. I was deep in thoughts while someone from the group made a joke I already expected. The others commented, that I didn’t get the joke. But the thing is, I did get the joke because it was the same kind of joke that have repeatedly been told by the same person. Then the phrase crossed my mind, “Is this it, is this everything in life?”. From this moment I started questioning everything about the life I built. I realized more and more that it was superficial and that I was losing myself on behalf of my marriage.

My divorce
At a certain point, I started to see dark clouds forming above my marriage. I could tell from my ex-wife’s behavior that she was up to something. The discussions between us became more and more intense, because I started to put some boundaries by speaking out my mind and sticking to it. I didn’t do this before, because I was afraid of destroying my marriage and wanted to keep the peace. But after the “is this it” moment, I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut anymore.

Because I had a suspicion, I started questioning her about her intentions. I told her that I could see that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she’s planning to get out of the marriage. She denied this for a while until the moment she was ready with her divorce preparations. When she finally decided to tell me that she wanted a divorce, she also told me that I was right when I told her earlier that she was slowly getting out of the relationship. But at this time, it was already late for me to try to save the marriage.

It took from this point some time to finalize the divorce. Before going our separate ways we had to keep living together for some time. This was a very difficult situation to be in. I could remember telling my ex that I was stuck with myself for some time. What I meant with this was that for a period of time now I have been thinking if I’m doing the correct things in life. Am I in the right career or the right position and why certain things happened in my life etc.

I also said that if God came to me and asked me at that moment if I wanted to go with him I would had said yes. Was I thinking about suicide, not really, but I was not happy in the situation I was and wanted just to escape from it. She completely misunderstood this and thought that I was psychological not okay. To her I should visit a psychologist and after thinking about it, I decided to visit a Christian psychologist. I was hoping that the Christian psychologist could help me come down to earth, by helping me to understand God. But after the first meeting was her message to me that I should keep believing. To be honest, when I left her practice, I was even more confused because I wasn’t expecting that.

Sadly my ex-wife also eagerly used what I said to validate the reasons she is divorcing me to family and friends. It was as if she was a total different person. At that point I was asking myself, who is this person? Is this the person I married? It was like doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde, from one day to another a complete switch in personality. To her I didn’t do anything right the whole marriage. That struck me hard, because my wife and kids where everything to me. I have even put myself aside for them to be happy and save. I was even literally willing to jump in front of a bullet if necessary to save them.

Not only I felt pain during and after the divorce, my two children also suffered a lot from this. They were only 5 and 4 years old at that time. My son didn’t show it often, but my daughter in particular suffered from it a lot. She had tried many times in her own way to bring us together. Sometimes I had spoken to my ex on behalf of my children, but she was firm in her decision.
One time on  a Valentine’s Day, my daughter even made a card that she wanted to give to my ex on my behalf and without my knowledge, trying to bring us together. But one of the out-of-school care teachers brought this to my attention. At home while sitting on the couch I had to do something radical and tell my children that their parents would never get back together. Then something heartbreaking happened. My daughter stared at me for a few seconds without saying anything. Then she broke into deep tears incessantly.

To process all of this, I needed in this time a lot of comfort, so I was praying a lot and watching a lot of sermons. I was listening to T.D. Jakes a lot in particular. In two different sermons he said the following two verses which helped me through the divorce.

In the beginning I was trying to win her back. I was praying my longs out for God to save my marriage without any success. I even fasted for 7 days, something I had never done before and didn’t want to do. But now I was willing to do it just to save my marriage. This is not what fasting is for, but I was so desperate at that time that I was willing to try anything. After hearing also the second phrase from T.D Jakes and reading what the apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:15, I stopped doing that immediately. I then told her that she could take anything she wanted, because I didn’t want to end up in fights and lawsuits about silly things. This gave me a lot of room so I could start a long journey of healing.

Searching God
Without even knowing it at that time, God already started to take care of me. At the beginning of my divorce, he made it possible for my family to be in the Netherlands for my fortieth birthday. They were a great emotional support for me, but in particular the presence of my older sister. She went through a divorce herself and she understood the pain and phases I was going through. Unfortunately she couldn’t stay because she was on vacation, but after she left there was more help on the way. A cousin who also went through a divorce happens to be on his way to the Netherlands. Also he understood my pain and was of great support for me.

Even though I had help sent by God I was still devastated and I also started to even question God’s existence. How come did he permit this, while all I did was to serve him the best I could. But at the same time I had a thought in my mind that felt as if God was speaking to me. The message was, “are you going to do it your way or are you going to do it my way this time?”. This referring to an earlier breakup I experienced and I chose not to wait on God, but go partying(Hedonic happiness). So I decided not to do that and started all over again to try to find God .The best way to find God I thought was to find evidence. The next question is, what is the best way to find evidence? Yes you guessed it right, with the help of science and psychology!

For a long time I thought that science disproved the existence of God, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve just discovered that this discussion has been intensified among scientists lately. In fact, more than half of scientists worldwide would believe in the existence of God based on the evidence out there. This has made me more curious to continue looking for evidence and explanations, that helped me in some way to find my way back to God.

Repentance
The more I started to find God again, I could felt more and more his presence. I can remember being alone in my house and falling down on the floor in my kitchen and was crying my longs out. It was an horrible feeling, it felt dark and hot and I couldn’t breathe properly. It felt as if the weight of the whole world was lying on my shoulders. But when I was done, I felt an enormous relief. It was as if I have been needing this for a long time.

I asked myself if this moment came because of my divorce. It sure had something to do with it, but it wasn’t only because of the divorce. It was because of everything I experienced in my life so far that I didn’t deal with it the correct way. This moment was the beginning of my journey to ultimate healing from past hurts, disappointments and insecurities.

Moving forward
What helped me a lot too where a couple of books I read during this period. Overcoming crisis (Miles Monroe) and Men search for meaning (Victor Frankl). The book overcoming crisis in particular, taught me something very crucial. A crisis in our lives can be there to turn things in our lives for the better, Romans 8:28. Without a crisis we can be stuck in a situation so we can mis our destiny. It can also make you understand what is important and what is not. This knowledge gave me renewed hope and a more positive mindset to be able to make the right choices so I could move forward.

When God asked me if I wanted to do it his way this time, he meant of course the eudaimonic happiness way. So that is what I did, I pushed to become a better version of myself by growing and finding my purpose instead of looking for pleasure to numb my pain. By making this choice I achieved a lot of things that in the past I found difficult to achieve. I got closer to God, I got better playing the piano, I learned to play drums, financially I got better, mentally and physically stronger, I started this blog, I got my motorcycle license, I have more peace and wisdom.

Last I want to say that I don’t want to make my ex look bad with this blog post. I have two beautiful kids that I love so much and I have them also because of her. I do understand that she is a victim of past hurts herself without knowing it. But on the other hand, this is a story I should tell, so other people can relate to it and understand the process as they go through the same thing I did.

Sources

• Bible
• Monroe Miles, Overcoming crisis
• Frankl Victor, Men search for meaning